My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
