K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
