can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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