and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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