Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
