she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
