I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
