it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
