Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
