connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
