your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
