A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
