i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Operation Purity has been aborted
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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