Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
