woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
