I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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