So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
