I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
