I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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