On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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