I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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