Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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