I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
