3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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