my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Randomize
