It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
