I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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