I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
