cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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