i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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