if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
