just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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