She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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