He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
