Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
