Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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