fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
