Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
