it was like his penis was on wheels.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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