My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
