I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
