I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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