A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
