....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
