So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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