Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
