I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
