she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
