I just saw a hot homeless man
I cannot find my penis.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
