i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
