I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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