All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
