I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
