Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
