Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
