you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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